Ricky Gervais Monologue for Oscars 2011

The comedian has taken the liberty of writing a monologue for the Oscars this weekend!

Written by ronin
Published about over 6 years ago. Filed Under: TV

Earlier this week, Academy Award co-host Anne Hathaway revealed that she would not be ripping a page out of Ricky Gervais’ award show hosting playbook, How To Offend Everyone You’re Supposed To Be Honoring…And Then Some. “I think that humor is really difficult to pull off,” Hathaway said. “And I’m not particularly adept at it.” (She also doesn’t want to commit career suicide just to land a solid, below-the-belt jab at The Tourist.)

Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes certainly caused a stir in Hollywood and clearly caused a divide between those who thought he went to far, and those who thought the funny man has his finger on the pulse in satiring how isolated the culture of Hollywood is from the rest of the world.

Although other presenters may not choose emulate him, Ricky Gervias has taken the courtesy of writing the opening monologue for the James Franco and Anne Hathaway should they realise that their rendition of Grease may not actually be as funny as genuine British wit. Check it out below!

V.O. Ladies and Gentlemen. Please welcome your hosts for this evening… James Franco and Anne Hathaway

(Music and applause) (James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)

JAMES FRANCO Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards, Live from Los Angeles.

ANNE HATHAWAY That’s foreign for City of Angels. And this room is certainly filled will those angels.

(Applause)

JAMES FRANCO Thank you. I’m James Franco.

ANNE HATHAWAY …and I’m Anne Hathaway.

JAMES FRANCO You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

ANNE HATHAWAY And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JAMES FRANCO It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

JAMES FRANCO Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

ANNE HATHAWAY No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JAMES FRANCO Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

ANNE HATHAWAY But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…

(Nervous laughter)

He’s doing some charity work. Yeah, he’s visiting orphans with cancer. He’s telling them what bald little losers they are…

JAMES FRANCO Yeah, cos he’s rude right?

(Applause)

Thank you. No rudeness tonight. It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

(Applause)

That’s not to say that we don’t care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they’d been living off dead beetles all their lives.

ANNE HATHAWAY Yeah and Yoko Ono said. “What’s wrong with that?”

(Laughter)

JAMES FRANCO Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.

(Nodding and smiling)

That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.

(Murmurs of agreement)

Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,”Yes and my dentist hasn’t seen a penny.”

ANNE HATHAWAY Yeah, why doesn’t he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?

JAMES FRANCO It’s a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn’t have botox or suck up to important producers - there’s something wrong with him.

ANNE HATHAWAY There must be. Why isn’t the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?

JAMES FRANCO That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.

ANNE HATHAWAY Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that’s better than being fat right?

JAMES FRANCO You bet it is gorgeous.

ANNE HATHAWAY You are so handsome.

JAMES FRANCO Exactly. You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.

ANNE HATHAWAY Really?

JAMES FRANCO Yes. He’d often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes.

ANNE HATHAWAY And then vomit right?

JAMES FRANCO No he left that bit out…

(Mild laughter)

ANNE HATHAWAY That’s because he couldn’t get his fat f*cking fingers in his stupid mouth.

(Big laugh)

JAMES FRANCO Anyway let’s get this show on the road. There were some great kids’ movies this year. I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.

ANNE HATHAWAY Did you enjoy it?

JAMES FRANCO No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, “Who are you?” “You’re not my daddy.” “Take me back to the park where you grabbed me…”

(Laughter)

ANNE HATHAWAY Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you’re one of us. And you are so handsome.

JAMES FRANCO Absolutely. So let’s get this show on the road. Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss… The wonderful… Mel Gibson…

(Standing ovation)

Now that's a monologue!


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